One cold February morning I was rushing to catch the 8:53 bus at 8:52, and as I got onto the street, meters away from the bus stop I saw the bus approaching. I started running, waving my hand, and the bus drove by me. I stood in frustration and anger; I murmured some inappropriate phrase. I caught a glimpse of the driver, it was Larry. Larry used to be on our route 8 years ago, then all of the sudden he was gone. He did the exact same thing to me back then, except that time I was 7 months pregnant running for the bus. I was quite upset back then, but then he disappeared from my route, so I got over it. Or so I thought. When I saw him again on my route last fall, some of those feelings of upset crept back out, and I saw that nothing changed, as he still had the habit of not slowing down at stops in case someone was approaching.
When he drove past me in February all those upset feelings erupted. He ruined my mood for the day! I told my husband that I was going to complain about him. “This is ridiculous!” I said, “What’s his problem?” I never sent a complaint about him, like I said I would, but I sat angry with him for almost a month. I’d grunt when he was the driver picking me up, I’d walk slowly into the bus, I stopped saying thank you to him. Seeing him would just turn me into an angry person, it would ruin my morning until a happy thought pushed it out of my mind.
On one weekend, I was on the bus with my son and daughter. I asked them if they remembered my one necessary rule when riding the bus. They both know the rule, but I feel I need to quiz/remind them every time. The rule is to say thank you as you leave the bus. My son then asked me, “We even have to say thank you to Larry?” I struggled to answer that, I wanted to be the good parent and say, “Yes, even Larry.” But, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I think I came up with a smart comment like, “Well, it’s not like Larry would stop for me anyways!” My son’s question made me think. What does my not saying thank you to one bus driver really accomplish? I realized, that if anything, it makes things worse. I still sit in anger, and his behaviour doesn’t really change.
Then I thought, what would be the best thing to do, what would make things better. I realized that in order to heal myself and even potentially change his behaviour, my only option was compassion. Compassion is the closest thing to win-win, forgiving him, letting go of the anger, and continuing to saying thank you is the best way for me to handle this.
I will be honest, it took me 3 weeks and a difficult question from my son to think that compassion was the answer. But it took me another month after that to really start feeling that it was. We live in a tit for tat world, where if someone does us wrong, we have to wrong them back somehow. But what does that really accomplish? For a temporary amount of time it gives us satisfaction that they got what they deserved, but in the long run, all it does is hold a space for anger and resentment to reside inside us. Plus, it doesn’t encourage the other person to change their behaviour, if anything, it adds fuel to their anger fire.
This can also apply to when we are upset at ourselves. How many of you have ever felt so frustrated over a mistake you made, or a ball that dropped, or your imperfections? How do you treat yourself when those feelings come up? Do you treat yourself angrily? Do you disrespect yourself? How able are you to show self compassion, to say to yourself, “It’s ok, we all make mistakes.”? How able are you to stop that incessant self talk that tries to convince you that your worst actions define your being? What would it look like to forgive yourself, to still value what you do right everyday, to be kind to yourself?
I’m happy to say that 2 months later, after about a month of returning to say thank you to Larry, my anger towards him has fizzled. Seeing him as the driver I catch doesn’t ruin my morning. If I miss the bus, it’s not his fault, it’s just my fate for the day. I am also happy to say that the other day this week, when I was on his bus he stopped for another individual who was running to the stop. I cannot say for sure that my behaviours caused this, but I’d like to believe that it had a small contribution.
