I am completely overwhelmed. Being a working mom is making me crazy. Help!
We often assume that being a working mom means having the best of both worlds. Yet, when we’re in the throws of chaos we feel we’re actually getting the worst of both worlds. When we’re trying to master two roles that often pull us in opposite directions, it is natural to experience role strain. Not only does this role strain affect our performance at work and at home; it also deteriorates our wellbeing. Despite that, we work so hard to make sure everything is done, and done well. Why do we do this? Is it perhaps we want to ensure that we are valued, that we matter?
Well, you know what? You do matter! Even if you are imperfect, you are valuable! Running yourself crazy doesn’t help anyone. In reality, many of us have to be working moms, but you don’t have to have the Midas touch with everything you do. Here are some approaches to consider when you’re at your wits end, and you don’t know what to do.
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Clarify Your Priorities
What do you really want? What is most important to you? If having it all isn’t possible, what must you have, what would you like to have, and what can you live without? For instance, maybe having dinner with your kids is a must most nights, you’d like to have more time to yourself but you’re willing to give up your evening exercise class so you can put the kids to bed. Or maybe you’re willing to give up eating dinner with the family or putting the kids to bed so you can make that evening yoga class. Don’t judge your priorities. Your family’s happiness depends on your wellness. Clarify these priorities on a regular basis, as what’s on our plate changes every year, month, week, day, even hour.
Also ask yourself why it is so necessary for you to do the things you are doing. How is being a working mom serving you? How do you want to be identified? Is your ultimate goal to be a C suite mom or a Mom of the Year? What values do want to teach your children and are you demonstrating them?
Many of us see working as a financial necessity but maybe it’s possible to downsize and simplify your life if having a demanding full-time job is taking too much of a toll. Or, if having a successful career is a dream, perhaps hiring a nanny or regular babysitter is what you need right now.
Thinking these questions through can help you determine whether the items that are filling your plate really need to be there. Clearing out the unnecessary stuff will allow you to focus more on what is important.
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Check Your Expectations and Simplify
Is it really possible for you to do everything you do and do it well?Not sure? Try out this exercise. Write out all of the tasks you are responsible for. Then use the PEDS system for it. PEDS stands for Postpone, Eliminate, Delegate, Simplify.
Postpone: If there is something you need to do that isn’t time sensitive, schedule it for after the big project, for when the kids are more independent, or when you don’t have to account for extra time for snow suits or shovelling snow.
Eliminate: This goes back to point number one. Is it really necessary for you to have this on your plate? Can you live without having the kids in three activities each, straightening your hair regularly, or buying and maintaining dry-clean-only clothes? If removing those tasks create a bit more time, would it be valuable?
Delegate: There are always things that need to get done, just not necessarily by us! Why not consider delegating these tasks. You could hire someone else to do it, give the responsibility to another family member, or do a task barter with a friend, coworker, or neighbour (e.g., “if you pick up my groceries when you’re out, I’ll make you three meals for the week”).
Simplify: Does everything have to be complicated and meticulous in our lives? Maybe if things were simpler, we’d have more peace. Your casserole will still be delicious with frozen cauliflower, your house will still be clean if your baseboards aren’t wiped down every time and your communication will still be effective at work with a few email templates and saved phrases.
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Build Meaningful Relationships With the People Who Matter
Stop trying to impress everyone around you and focus on only the people who matter (e.g., your children, your partner, your boss). Ensure their needs are being met; stay connected with them. It is their fulfillment that directly correlates to your purpose, not other people’s impression of you. Shine in your own authentic way to the people who are most important in your life. Become the go-to person for the tasks you are strongest at.Consider creating rituals with those people who are most important to you. Since it’s impossible to be at everyone’s avail, make the time you do spend with them the most impactful.
There will be times where you miss important events (child’s milestone, or late night brainstorming session at work). However, we can create our own valuable moments and traditions to keep those relationships strong. For example, every weekday morning, I wake my kids up with hugs and kisses. This has become an important ritual for my kids. I know this because they grumble if they don’t get cuddle time on the off day that I’m in a hurry or dad wakes them up.
At work, why not create a “Big Task of the Day” board where you write out one thing you are going to focus on each day. Writing things down and creating accountability help us meet our goals. Make this a ritual with your team, work together to keep each other accountable, and aware of what’s on each other’s plates.
If all of this thinking and delegating and writing down of tasks seems overwhelming, that’s okay. Take it one step at a time. Start with some of the questions in the part one and just think about them. Then write a few notes about your feelings. Follow that with small actions like talking to your partner about one thing you could delegate or writing that “Big Task” down on a white board at work. Over time, you’ll get the hang of simplifying your life and you’ll be happy you did.
