For many people, one of the biggest challenges in life is the search for self-worth. Self-worth is about what we value in ourselves, an appraisal of sorts of what we have to offer to this world. Having legitimate, healthy, positive self-worth is necessary to thrive in our world, but it can be a bit of a catch-22. While it is essential for our opinion of ourselves to come from within, it is strengthened when reinforced by affirmation from others.
Imagine if you were in a room full of people, and you were the only one in the room who didn’t like a TV show, let’s say Game of Thrones. What would happen if you spoke up about it? There would be some awkward looks, maybe some defensiveness would arise. Maybe you would feel lesser about yourself for not being part of the cultural norm, in the know. Now, imagine if you were in a room full of people who didn’t value something about your personality. Wouldn’t it be harder to speak up than if it were about a show? It would be easier if there was a room of people who loved and had that same personality trait, or at least where there were a mix of people, some who liked it, some who were neutral, and some who didn’t like it. This is why affirmation from others is valuable.
There are few people in this world who can truly maintain a strong self-worth without the support of others. They are the enlightened or awakened ones, who can sustain their life purpose without the noise of society and culture. These people often need little from the external world to thrive, and be happy, and often can live in solitude, or without material things. This is an extremely hard feat to achieve, and requires one to detach themselves from earthly connections, including our connection to our own physical forms.
Others, who might seem to have a strong self worth could be displaying a strong ego instead, which is created through pushing others around them down, to bring themselves up higher. This type of person would be using power and control to create a greater value of themself than there might actually be. Or they could appear to have a high self-worth as a defense mechanism from others who might not value them, so they have to project a louder self-worth to drown out the noise of other’s criticism. For this group of people, their self worth might actually not be that high at all. In both of these examples, the outside person might assume that the individual doesn’t need affirmation from others, however what they are experiencing is not healthy self-worth.
Healthy self worth isn’t necessarily about thinking we are so amazing. It is more about knowing the things we are amazing at and not so amazing at, and trying to align our offerings to society with the amazing things. Most of us can have appropriate awareness, and justly judge our worth; but our self evaluation has more clout when confirmed by others. We benefit to have second (third, fourth,…) opinions to affirm that we’re in line with the “market value” appraisal of ourselves. It is essential we have those around us that have the ability to see our strengths, and be accurate with their appraisals. For many of us, this means looking to family members, friends, teachers, colleagues, etc.
But what happens when we don’t get the other opinions to match what we see in ourselves? What about if we get the opinions that match, but we are skeptical of the source? What if we believe it, but the belief is short term, and we begin to crave more of it to keep going, almost to the point of developing a dependency? When we come to depend on external affirmation more than our internal beliefs and we don’t receive enough, we start questioning whether our self evaluation is legitimate.
Affirmation from others should be a supplement to our self-worth, not the basis for it. When the opinions of others hold too much power in our lives, our worth becomes dependent on how they perceive us. We could end up at the mercy of others’ opinions to maintain a positive self-image. If we don’t receive enough positive feedback, we end up creating invalid negative beliefs of ourselves.
So, what should we do about this? Unfortunately, there is no easy fix. There are many factors that go into returning your self-worth to a place that focuses on, well, self. It is an ongoing process of critically examining your automatic thoughts – the ones that spring to mind first.
Thoughts such as “I’m not successful enough” or “I’m not a good parent” are often focused on certain instances that indicate failure. For example, we may feel like failures as parents if we don’t cook all our children’s meals from scratch. However, if we consider why we might not be able to cook from scratch (maybe we are in careers that provide value to society and a healthy income for our family, etc.), we can recognize that our worth comes through in other ways. Then, we can affirm our value with thoughts like, “I’m not the best at feeding my kids homemade meals, but I do ensure they have a good life in other ways. I am still a good parent.”
Next, we should also consider our ideas around other people’s validation. Are the people around us are the best judge of our worthiness? Do they have some internal barriers (jealousy, exhaustion, lack of awareness, lack of self worth themselves) that doesn’t allow them to offer up validation? Are these people whose lifestyles and choices you agree with? Are they people you value? If they aren’t the best candidates, then it would be valuable to assess your circle of people, and determine if their opinions align with your perspective. Consider whether you need to shift or widen your circle, or even create a new one. In order to do that, you will have to look internally, as well. You would have to further clarify your value system, and your own intentions for your life. If the people around you don’t see the world the same way, you will have to search for people who do.
If your circle is fine, there might be other concerns. Are they already giving you validation, and your self criticism is drowning it out? Is their feedback not matching your self-understanding, yet still affirming your worth in areas you didn’t consider? Maybe they give you plenty of validation, but you’re looking to them to do the work of building your self-worth for you. If this is the case, then it is worth your time to consider what it is about yourself that you actually value, and how you convey that to the people around you. Again, the answer is to go back to within yourself, and explore what your self-worth actually is.
Getting external affirmation of your self-worth is essential for you to ensure you are actually living by your values and purpose, but the work still has to come from you. If you need help sorting out your values and intentions, and understanding the role others play in your self-worth, consider talking to someone about it who can help you better understand yourself and clarify your value. Having someone who has knowledge of you and your goals as a sounding board can broaden your internal perspective of yourself. While the work has to come from you, you don’t have to do it alone.
