Recently, a number of stressful matters fell on my lap around the same time. Possibly, each of them individually or even paired could have been handled with some ease. However, that they were coming to me all at once made it more difficult for me to spring back. I knew I needed to amp up my self care, instead of decreasing it by spending more time resolving the stressors. But that just wasn’t enough. I knew this because my tolerance for my loved ones was consistently lower. I was noticing/absorbing more of the problems within my social circle. As much as I wanted to support my friends and family through their problems with kind, helpful words and gestures, a sense of apathy was what I was really feeling.
So, here I am, a woman with the gift of compassion, but the gift wasn’t working. I couldn’t do what I do best. I wasn’t “showing up” the way I generally do when others turn to me. What was I supposed to do?
Well, what I first did was sit and stew in my frustration until I got tired of it. Then I started practicing what I preach. I sought support from others: the ones that I feel most comfortable being vulnerable with, and I just showed them what I had going on. In doing so, I presented my authentic self. I confirmed that no one can have it together all the time. Despite all the proactive/preventative measures of “stress management”, sometimes mental and emotional germs seep into our system and we “get sick”, just like when our bodies catch a cold. Sometimes our brain and our hearts need to be nurtured and to rest.
The following actions are what I found helpful to me when I had my mental/emotional “cold”.
Create Extra Temporary Boundaries with those that depend on you. In my case, this is mainly my children and husband. These aren’t the everyday healthy boundaries you should already have. These are extra boundaries, ones that allow you the additional time and energy to focus on internal healing. Creating these boundaries can be simple, as long as you have effective communication or your family knows you well enough to notice your symptoms. If this isn’t the case however, then this is the time to communicate what you need. Let the ones that depend on you know that you can’t keep up the “normal” pace right now and you need to do less until you are back to yourself. Order more take out; have kids read to themselves or each other or play independently;opt out of volunteering duties for this week and delegate/re-prioritize tasks at work.
Be around people who can relate. There are times when sympathy doesn’t help, when your loved ones feeling bad for you and wishing you well doesn’t benefit you. These times can be great opportunities to be with others who are going through the same “symptoms” as you, i.e. the same cold. Being with someone who can authentically validate and normalize your feelings can be very therapeutic. Although I wouldn’t encourage this as a long term strategy, sometimes it is ok to sit in a “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired” state with others who are right there with you. A little commiserating reminds us that we are human: we are meant to be imperfect and not always happy. Think about it. Who would you rather want around you when you have a cold: someone fresh faced, put together, and cheerful or someone disheveled in their pjs wanting to binge watch tv?
Finally, Cut Yourself Some Slack! No one has a 100% effective immune system. Stop trying to fix what is broken and stop feeling guilty for not being able to heal so quickly. Stop analyzing it and just exist. Wondering if you got the cold from the subway pole isn’t going to take your cold away. Taking medication will only deal with the symptoms. Sometimes you have to just let your body take the time to heal. This is the same with your heart and mind. Take a day or two to just let yourself emotionally and mentally rest. This is mindfulness in its purest form. You don’t have to meditate or light incense to be mindful. Sitting on the couch for a day or two and just not reacting to the outside while your inner self is healing is not being lazy, it is being mindful when you’ve just had too much! So, give yourself a break.
You are the best judge of yourself and can determine whether your mental/emotional “colds” are one-offs or signs of a chronic issue. If it is chronic, I would encourage a deeper exploration of what patterns keep bringing you back to this state. If it’s not regularly recurring, treat it as you would a physical cold and take a break to heal yourself. Trying to maintain the same pace and working through it could make it worse. So just be easy with yourself while you reboot.
