My friend once jokingly told me, “Wow, you really are Canadian now!” after catching me say “I’m sorry” three times in five minutes. Twice instead of saying excuse me, once because I didn’t hear what someone said, and I was asking them to repeat it. I wanted to say I’m sorry for saying sorry too much.
There’s a lot of talk these days about how the phrase “I’m sorry” is being overused, especially by women, and how it is disempowering. I’ve actually told clients to use a Sorry Jar to bring awareness to how often they say it. I thought I was being more conscientious about it too, but apparently even I have my moments.
There are only 2 appropriate times to say “I’m sorry.”
1) Accepting responsibility and attempting to make amends.
2) Empathizing with another person’s feelings and attempting to support them.
So, what about the times when we misuse it? What should we say instead?
- Say “excuse me” when you are requesting a little thing. i.e. asking someone to make space for you to move through, requesting them to repeat themselves, asking for something to be passed to you, or interrupting a conversation for good reason.
- Say “I hope you don’t mind” when you are assuming an inconvenience, but aren’t sure, or it isn’t detrimental. i.e. borrowing an office supply from a colleague’s desk when they aren’t there, or sending a work email at night or on the weekend.
- Say “thank you” when you are “making use” of a loved one; when they are actively loving you possibly because you are going through a hard time. i.e. them doing chores/tasks for you, them listening to your ramblings/woes, or them waiting for you because you’re running late.
With that said, it is important to acknowledge how often your loved ones are “actively loving you” through this behaviour. If this is a more than occasional behaviour (i.e. running late) are you feeling compelled to apologize for who you are? Enough to work on changing your behaviour? Also, how tolerant is your loved one of this behaviour? Some people are extremely schedule oriented, some are more laid back. Sometimes your loved ones are willing to tolerate you because they love you, even if they wouldn’t allow it from others. As long as you are consenting adults in this relationship, you shouldn’t feel the need to apologize. Thanking them for their acceptance is as effective in acknowledging their tolerance as apologizing, yet it brings positivity to the acknowledgment, not negativity.
In the end, as habitual as it may seem to say sorry, it can often come off as insincere or self-deprecating if it isn’t used in the right situation. Acknowledging your behaviour with different words not only helps you be cognizant of the situation but also makes saying “I’m sorry” more meaningful when used.
