Many of us have closely followed the media attention with regards to the number of very brave women coming forward to share their experiences of sexual assault at the hands of some very powerful men. It has taken me a while to get to sharing my perspective. My experience/reaction has needed time to breath, to process before I collected my thoughts on paper. This campaign has done a number on me, as it likely has on many people who have been victim to sexual harassment and/or assault.
I struggled when this campaign hit full force recently. I started remembering all the occasions of harassment that I have experienced; ones I brushed off as not that big a deal, ones I just considered aggressive flirting, even ones that paralyzed me because I didn’t know how to react as it was happening.
Many times I knew that the other person was overstepping normal bounds and that he ought to have known this behavior is inappropriate, but I didn’t know what course of action I could have taken to address the situation in an impactful way. Upon some recent reflection, I realized that instead of addressing the issue with the harasser, I often condoned or excused the behavior, and developed mechanisms after each incident to try to make myself less of a target/victim. I tried to create less attention to myself, I became more skeptical of men who were “nice,” I built emotional calluses to prohibit these incidents from affecting me. In short, I figured out how to survive in an environment where my safety was not valued. My actions might have protected me, but could have further enabled their behavior and perhaps other victims may have suffered.
We talk about women’s empowerment, taking on things we fear, being bold and reaching for audacious goals. I have struggled with this, as many of my self-preserving behaviors go against this. It makes me think about what we have to compromise to reach for opportunity or a higher level of parity. What obstacles do we have to cross, what affronts do we have to tolerate so we can reach these audacious goals? How resilient do we already have to be while trying to tackle something so difficult and uncomfortable?
You know what it feels like when someone you’re not into digs you? You feel awkward around them, you try to avoid them, you try to give them clear but “respectful” signals that you are not into them. Imagine if that admirer was a person in position of power where you work. Imagine they have influence on the amount and kind of work you do, how much money you make, on whether you keep or progress in your job.
So, what do we do? How is it fair to have to change our behaviors to prevent these incidents? What else can be done to prevent them? How can we create an environment where we can thrive and reach our audacious goals without compromising our safety?
Prevention Tips
I’m tired of feeling like my safety is entirely my responsibility. I am done with holding my confidence back to prevent unwanted advances. The responsibility to respect others should be on everyone. With that in mind, this post’s tips are not for the receivers of sexual harassment and/or assault. They are for the potential offender. They are for the men and/or women who are in a position of power. They are for the confused people who are trying to make sure they do the right thing. They are for the people who have read the #metoo stories, and thought, “Oh no, I might have done that to someone!” These tips will help you think deeper about what is and isn’t ok.
1) Learn about body language. There is a lot of talk about consent right now, and there is a lot of grey area around it. While it seems unrealistic to assume that you can only be intimate with someone after they actually say “yes,” it also is not legitimate to assume that if one has not said “no,” you have the green light. Here are some examples of body language behaviors that indicate that someone is not comfortable with your advances:
– stiff, tense posture
– non reactive to your advances
– averting eye contact
– wide open eyes, indicating fear,
apprehension, or disbelief
– terse facial expression
– hands balled into a fist
– keeping hands in front of them to create space between the two of you
2) Understand the difference between respecting power/authority and attraction.
If someone you are attracted to is also someone who can be affected by your decisions, their warmth and pleasing nature is likely because they are respecting the power dynamic. It is not fair to assume that your feelings are reciprocated. It’s best to not explore relationship with individuals when there is a power dynamic.
3) As well, understand the difference between friendship and attraction. Just because someone enjoys your company, it does not mean they want to develop a sexual relationship with you. If there is no power dynamic, then it is fair for you to have an open and honest conversation about your feelings towards each other. If the two of you are not on the same page, then respectfully accept where the other person is and move on.
4) Understand that comments/flirting/physical touch/ sexual interaction of any kind is not a right/entitlement/privilege. Just because you let them leave early often, buy them dinner, or do any other nice things for them, it doesn’t mean they should pay you back with sexual allowances and favors. There shouldn’t be an expectation to have good deeds repaid with sexual interaction. Even if the action was not meant to be sexual (comments, physical touch), one should respect the nature of the relationship, and another individual’s personal space.
5) If you are receiving “mixed signals”, err on the side of caution, and don’t act.
Mixed signals generally mean that the other person is trying to indicate to you that they are not into you, in a less forceful way, and you are not listening. There are many reasons why the communication is not direct and loud, such as respecting the other person’s position of power, trying to prevent a greater assault, or being socially conditioned to not be assertive. We live in a time where sexual connection is no longer a taboo. There is less stigma in letting another person know that you are attracted to them. If the other person is into it, they will clearly let you know.
Awareness of the issue is vital to make any change. The purpose of this post was to take it one step further and provide action steps for those of you who could be contributing to the issue but don’t know how to make things better. Women cannot change the problem alone. There needs to be a cultural shift in how people of power view and treat others.
