How do I get along with my mother-in-law?
Out of all the relationships that I’ve helped my clients, friends and family with, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship has been the trickiest to navigate. If you think about it, it’s easy to understand why. In many cases, the daughter-in-law is replacing the mother-in-law as the most important woman in the partner’s life. There will inevitably be some toes that get stepped on.
If you are a mother, you can relate to the idea that you want the best for your child, and you spend countless hours ensuring that for them. Imagine putting in all that investment in another person’s happiness, then having the “duties” passed on to someone else. It’s like having a job at an organization that you’ve given your blood, sweat, and tears to; just to see the job passed on to someone who just doesn’t do it the same way you do.
As a daughter-in-law and partner, you know what it’s like to find the person who loves and understands you more than anyone else you’ve ever met. You then choose this person as your partner for the rest of your life. But, your partner comes with someone who knows them even more than you do. That has to be jealousy provoking!
It is too unrealistic to imagine that the two of you will love each other like mother and daughter. However, having a respectful and even compassionate relationship with each other is definitely attainable.
Here are some suggestions on how to not only keep the peace, but to get along with your mother-in-law.
- Search for things that you and your MIL have in common. Is there a TV show you both enjoy? A hobby? Food? Is there an annoying habit that your partner has that both you and your mother-in-law crack (good-natured) jokes about?
- Pick/Prioritize your battles. Every disagreement doesn’t have to become a thing. Think about what is most important to you put your foot down for those issues but let go of everything else.
- Don’t have your partner pick sides on matters that don’t involve them. Putting your partner in the middle will just stress them out and cause strain in your relationship. Spare them and yourself the extra frustration. Things like how a casserole is made, or when to plant your garden is not worth involving a third party. Think again about your priorities before making a complaint into a conflict.
- Get on the same page with your partner about the things that do involve them. There are times where it is important for your partner to have your back. Issues such as parenting, career choices and financial decisions should be decided between the two of you. If your mother-in-law (or any in-laws) has strong opinions on it, it is not only your responsibility to stand your ground.
- Take a moment, and try to see things from your mother-in-law’s perspective. Being a woman in the generation before us had different, and possibly more, challenges than being a woman now. Your mother-in-law overcame those adversities struggling to hold on to whatever power she could. Her expectations of you are likely based on what she lived through.
These pointers will send you on the right track.
Setting realistic goals for what you want your relationship to be like, depending on what type of woman your mother-in-law is can also help. This can be anywhere between respectfully tolerating each other and being bosom buddies. If your goal is respectfully tolerating each other, then ensure you practice a lot of self-care before, during, and after each meeting. If your relationship issues go beyond superficial matters, it might help to talk to a neutral third party to help navigate the relationship
