Remember high school? Remember when peer pressure made you do utterly stupid things? Or how about simultaneously idolizing and despising the most popular mean girls in the school? Were you really good at something, but hid it for fear that you’d be ridiculed? In adulthood we can look back and recognize that as teenagers all we wanted to do was to fit in, we would much rather be just like the popular girls to fit in instead of show our unique brilliance and stand out. We see how that held us back from being who we really were. When we tried to fit in what ultimately happened was that we got lost in the background.
However, as adults, out of the high school scene, I still see many women (myself included often) still trying to fit in. We try to fit in physically: keeping trim, wearing trendy clothes, and/or removing body and facial hair. We try to fit in in other ways too: having acceptable parenting practices, ensuring we are as busy as the other women around us, being able to manage work and a house and a family and social life flawlessly.
Why is it that we still feel like we have to fit in to be accepted? Why do we compare ourselves to people around us? Thinking to yourself “Are we as smart as them, as attractive as them, as important as them?” Beyond that, why do we compare with a rigged scale, comparing our worst selves to others people’s bests?
What would it mean to embrace or at least accept our differences? Why don’t we consider belonging?
Belonging occurs when we own our unique gifts and find settings where they can flourish. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece is uniquely shaped and has it’s own place. Without it the picture is not complete. Belonging means we have to be different, we have to have a unique purpose. But that doesn’t mean we have to be larger than life, or overtly brilliant. Like each puzzle piece, we can be small but significant, special, essential.
In order to best find where we belong we have to know and embrace our true selves. We need to know and love our unique shape. We need to be proud to show our uniqueness, so others can see what we have to offer. We need to acknowledge and appreciate how we contribute to/enhance what is around us. Self-love is the critical piece to determining how you best belong in your community.
So, my suggestion to you is take some time to reflect on what it is that is special about you. What are you really good at? Why do people seek you out? Do you make people laugh? Do you know how to make dinner out of nothing? Maybe you are able to find the best extracurricular activities for your children. Focus on and embrace that. Stop worrying about the other things about you that don’t make you shine. If they don’t make you shine, then likely no one else is noticing them!
