I love my children but keep losing my temper. How can I stop yelling?
We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of your usual chaotic rush, one little thing goes wrong and you lose it. You’re trying to send one last email while the mac and cheese is on the stove, while also helping your daughter with her homework. All of the sudden she knocks her cup of milk over and it spills all over the table, dripping onto the floor, 20 minutes before soccer practice. This volcano erupts from inside you and you yell! You aggressively ask her how many times you have reminded her to not keep her cups so close to her elbows. Then, you yell that you’re done for the day, tell her to get out of your face (because all you see is red). You want to stop yelling, but you don’t know how.
While reading this, you might be feeling guilty about the last time you enacted that scene. Most of us have been socialized to learn that anger is a bad emotion. What if I told you that the emotion of anger isn’t bad? Anger actually serves a purpose. We need to have anger in our lives to catalyze change, fight for what we want, or protect our boundaries and this is important to teach your children. The issue is how we react when we are angry, whether we hurt others or ourselves when realizing the anger. So, forgive yourself and accept your anger, but learn how to move forward in a more positive way.
When we lose it on our children, it’s not a sign that we don’t love them enough, or that we are bad people. It’s a sign that something needs to be resolved in our lives. Think about this: what is it that needs to be resolved in your life? Take note of the last few incidents where you blew your top. What was going on for you? Did you have a lot on your plate? What happened before? Who were you spending time with that day? Did you eat, sleep well? When was the last time you smiled, or laughed? You probably already know that you’re more likely to lose your temper when you’re tired or stressed out, but there may be other factors at play when you really think about it. Maybe an annoying work associate can ruin your day or maybe your family’s schedule is too busy and everyone needs a bit more down time.
Once you know more about what goes on before you get angry, you can plan to prepare for it, and potentially avoid a volatile reaction. Below are some more things you can do to prevent losing your temper, or not make the incident so harmful.
Things you can do proactively:
- Assess and empty your tolerance cup regularly. If you’re starting to feel anxious or stressed, take a moment to take some deep breaths, leave the room if you have to, or go for a walk, if you can.
- Figure out your burnout signs, and share them with your family. For instance, tell your partner and kids that when you start slamming cupboard doors, it’s time to give you some space.
- Bring balance back to your emotions. Practice gratitude and regularly incorporate things/people in your life that make you happy.
- Think about healthy ways to let out your anger ahead of time. Is it a run, screaming into a pillow, writing an ugly letter and then burning it?
Things you can do reactively:
- Say out loud, “I’m angry!” or “I’m upset!” Claim it, let people around you know it’s happening.
- Give yourself a time out when you’ve done something disrespectful or upsetting (one minute per years alive works just fine for moms too!). During this time out, do something that de-escalates the frustration.
- Apologize for your outburst. Explain to your children that you were angry and sometimes anger makes you act in ways that can be hurtful or scary and you’re sorry, you will try to do better next time. Share the ways you help yourself calm down—deep breathes, alone time—so your children can try the same methods.
- When the members of your family are angry, do what you wish they would do for you when you’re angry. That way, you’re modeling positive behavior they can follow next time you’re angry. Maybe this is offering a hug or some time alone.
Getting angry is a sign that you are human, we all do it. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, learn and teach from it, and harness the energy to make changes in your life for your wellbeing.
