I made most of my friends as a teenager, but we’ve grown apart. How do adults make new friends?
Not everyone is fortunate enough to have BFFs from high school who stay BFFs into adulthood. Most of the time, because of life transitions (a career, marriage, a move, a baby), many of us grow apart from the friends we had as teenagers. We lose an understanding of each other’s experiences and aren’t able to show up for each other like we did in the past.
While in school or even university, it seemed somewhat easier to make friends; you had your opportunity to “test drive” people in the lunchroom, during recess, in class, at the dorm. You naturally ended up gravitating towards people you like hanging out with. Those people eventually became your friends.
What about when you become an adult? How do you create friendships now? As an adult we don’t have the same opportunities to spend copious amounts of time in groups, or meeting new people. So, we have to be a bit more creative in how to make friends.
You might ask why this is important. Well, I think it’s fair to assume that we all want a few people in our lives that bring us joy, support us through difficult times, or just listen while we vent. But a friend should be so much more than that.
Ideally (if you have the right friends), a friend is someone you feel comfortable with. Someone you don’t have to pretend or wear a mask in front of. These are the people you get to practice authenticity with. Being with a friend should feel like being at home for your spirit (no makeup, no bra, no judgment). When we get to practice this authenticity regularly with our friends, we build our confidence to be more authentic everywhere. This allows us to continue to connect with others who are like-minded. You end up feeling as if you belong, that you are valuable just the way you are.
If you feel like you are still pretending in front of your friends, then I think it’s time to refresh your circle. A good friendship (even not very deep ones) shouldn’t feel like work. Of course, like any relationship, it takes some nurturing, but if the cost of maintaining it outweighs the benefit, it’s not the best relationship for you.
So, how do adults make new friends? And how do you find the right friends? Here are some suggestions and thoughts to consider:
1. Step slowly into getting to know people online first. Join a local Facebook group that is relevant to your life, or “like” local businesses that you actually like in real life. Then from time to time, chime in on a thread (a congrats, words of encouragement, a suggestion when asked, even just an LOL). Work on building virtual friendships with local people that can eventually transition to real ones.
2. Join a class or a group that focused on something of interest to you, a painting class, a workout class, a cooking class. Choose something that is valuable to you even if you don’t make friends, but notice who you naturally gravitate towards and build connections with them.
3. Don’t spend your energy trying to impress others. Remember you are not trying to sell yourself to others; you are looking for people you would like to hang out with. Be yourself, and see who gravitates towards you. These people will likely stick around longer, and their friendships won’t drain you.
4. Consider that you might be looking for different friends for different experiences in your life. You might not be able to find any one person that can relate to every one of your life experiences, but you could find a few that relate to each of your life experiences. For example, you might have a group of friends for mom issues, one for small town woman living in a big city, one for work-related issues, etc. This way, you aren’t struggling to find the one best friend (that’s a lot of pressure for you and the friend), and you have a circle of support.
Finding good friends isn’t always a quick process. Sometimes you meet someone, and hit it off immediately. Likely this happens when both parties are 100 per cent authentic from the get-go, and in that authenticity instantly relate to each other. However, we aren’t all yet comfortable being 100 per cent authentic all the time. We have to test each other out. That is completely fine. You deserve to be selective with who you will be vulnerable around. Create the opportunities to meet like-minded people, practice being yourself around them, and see who is still sticking around. These are your friends and they’re lucky to have you!
