I have a confession to make: I slipped with my blogging schedule and, for a while, I was really hard on myself about it. I often try to take the summers off from non-essential work, which is basically anything other than seeing existing clients. The goal is to relax and reenergize, then pick everything back up in September. Well, I picked most of it up, but the blogging energy just wasn’t there. I felt stuck. Even though I was talking about great concepts in my programs and having lots of “aha!” moments, I did not feel compelled to write. And the longer I didn’t write, the more I felt like I just wasn’t good at blogging. The more I felt this way, the more I thought I should just drop blogging altogether. Well, it’s almost December and a little trip down self-compassion lane made me start typing away. It’s only fitting that my re-entry post be about self-compassion.
It’s safe to say that many women have little difficulty showing compassion to others, especially their loved ones. We are often supportive when someone we love makes a mistake. We offer care when they feel low about themselves, and we accept their shortcomings without judgment. We even easily have compassion for strangers, when there is a large traumatic event on the other side of the world; we are quick to raise money and resources for souls who are less fortunate that we’ve never met.
But if we are so good at being compassionate towards others, why are many of us so bad at being compassionate to ourselves? If a friend misses the deadline to sign their kid up for swim classes, we tell her: “Oh, you have so much on your plate, it’s reasonable that you forgot. Besides, they are just swim classes.” However, if we forgot, we would likely say to ourselves: “How could I have forgotten that, even with the scheduled reminder and alarm set! I’m a horrible parent. I’m stunting my kid’s ability to flourish into a wonderful human being!” Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit… or maybe not. Regardless, compare the message and tone of our reaction to both situations. Could you imagine saying the latter to your friend? Likely she wouldn’t be your friend for long if you kept that up
This needs to change. We need to introduce self-compassion into our lives, not just to live a better life, but for self sustainability. If we don’t become kinder to ourselves, we will create an internal battle with ourselves and implode. Persistently having self-criticism is like developing a mental and emotional autoimmune disorder, where we become our own worst enemy. This behavior can lead greater mental health issues such as social isolation, body image issues, depression, and anxiety.
Which leads me to my next question: why do we tolerate that behavior from ourselves? What does it mean to our psyche if we treat ourselves in a way that we would never tolerate from others? Take a minute to let that sink in: we accept from ourselves what we wouldn’t accept from our closest family and friends. When will we feel “enough is enough” and “unfriend” our critical self? How long can we last until our self-criticism causes us to self-destruct? Do you want to wait and see?
Hopefully, I’ve convinced you that you should develop your self-compassion if it’s lacking. Now, let me tell you how to do that. The easiest way would be to imagine what you would say to a friend who was in the same situation as you, and say that to yourself. Make a habit of this. If you need, start writing down your first, self critical response to your mistakes or shortcomings, then write down a response you would give to your friend to counter that.
If you want more direction, I suggest looking at Kristen Neff’s website on self-compassion. Her research found that there are three components to self-compassion: mindfulness (accepting the negative feelings you are currently having), common humanity (normalizing your experience, acknowledging that others go through what you go through), and kindness (being loving, gentle, and accepting of yourself). The readings, insights, meditations, and exercises on this site can help you develop a practice of self-compassion that will work for you. With these practices you can become your own friend.
